My trip to Amman was cancelled. I had made myself the promise and day dreamt of, a dive in Aqaba, a cheerful conversation with my family and a daily 7 am walk. Usually, I book and cancel flights like they are bus tickets, but this cancellation wrapped me up with a depression scarf.
Yes, my mother’s voice sounded down when I told her. Yes, I wanted to dive in Aqaba and this is my second cancellation this year, but my depression was simpler, less complicated it was just a craving for a long walk.
I couldn’t really understand what it was, I did however just come out from a complete digital detox and much more, I called it the monk mode*, more on that later. Meaning that the past couple of days I had complete control of my thoughts and my senses were 100X, in a heightened state. My mind and body craved a walk in Amman, I listened. And I rarely listen anymore, anyhow, bummer bummer!
I exchanged a walk outdoor, to a fast pacing in a manic state in my apartment waiting for my coffee to drip. Thinking why is it that a Dubai walk wouldn’t do, is it as the Lebanese say ” The close church doesn’t heal”? Is it the weather? The people? Is it the architecture? It cant really be, I could care less of how a building is dressed.
Let me visualize it for myself, I have lived in the same apartment in Amman for 30 years. It is the only home I know. Every single day there is a promise of an unpredictable flower. Two neighbors fighting about their son’s grade. An old man walking for his health, nodding his grumpy head to greet me, in an old fashioned good morning. The mandarin tree changes everyday. In September the breeze would have filled my lunges with health. The trees are burdened with thousands of flowers and they drop them in a clutter. It smells like Jasmin sometimes and sometimes like olive. Also, my mother’s coffee on the balcony as a reward when I return.
The most profound “long walks” are those that take us back home. Every place in the world has its charm, but Amman has an invisible line to my soul. Dubai might offer grandeur, luxury, and a house, but my sweet Amman is melancholy, nostalgia, dark humor and a tree that have grown with me and shares my birthday.
It is sameness, it is unpredictability.
FrequencyForty 